Chaddy:
  
            I was so upset with you the other day. I didn't want you leave feeling bad, but I couldn't help say how I felt about what you were doing. I was angry that you would turn your back on your friends in an irrational manner. They did not deserve that. I told you that you were being irresponsible...and you were! The band was not only your creative outlet, it was kind of like a job and a project put together by friends who are tight with each other. You don't just walk out...you give leave and make plans for your departure. So for that, you were very irresponsible and selfish. The guys held it together. They worked until 4 AM in my basement programming in loops to fill your stuff in the music they planned to do on Sunday. They pulled through very well and professionally and took 2nd in the battle. They now go on to the next level with that. Meanwhile, the concert backing up SoundTribe is a done deal. Fans from everywhere are emailing the Coop saying, " Is it true??? Are you backing up SoundTribe?" This could be The Coop's big break. It's not all about music genre philosophy...,it's all about getting that performance experience and networking. You know that!
            The most important issue at hand is YOUR life. Chaddy, you are one of the most awesome, intelligent, sensitive, creative guys I know. You are throwing a whole bunch away. Valedictorian of your high school, accepted into a BIG 10 school, funding $ coming in to help, good grades, a job, an up and coming band, friends who love you.....us? What are you thinking??? You had the world by the butt and you are going to give it up?  For what????
            The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to follow that straight
path to achieving the goals you set out achieve. Please think! Call me if you'd like to talk. I'm still here for you.
  
  Mama B.

__________

Dear Ms. B (Mama B),

            Chase shared your latest email with us.  It sounds like you think that his recent decisions are dangerous to him.  We want to assure you that such is highly unlikely to prove to be the case.  Chase has joined our household.  Outward appearances to the contrary, we are educated professionals who recognize the importance of a viable life plan that includes appropriate academic credentials.  Chase's father, Tom, holds a Masters degree in communications design.  He is an adjunct professor at a local community college.  Robin is a retired self-trained IT expert who spent years doing computer support in a large corporation. Kathy is a criminal defense lawyer who represents indigent people on appeal in courts of review, both state and federal.  Kathy's first husband, Roger, is a mechanical engineer.  He and Kathy raised two children. Their son is a criminal defense lawyer who attended law school for free after scoring in the top 1% on the LSAT.  Their daughter recently obtained her PhD in neuroscience from Northwestern University. She is currently doing stem cell research at the University of California at San Francisco.  Both grew up in this household and both are happy, confident people who have followed their bliss and now make significant positive contributions to society. 

            Chase came to us in a very bad mental and emotional state.  It is readily apparent to us that he needs a significant break from the social forces that have surrounded him for the last few years. Regardless of his friends' good intentions, the "Chaddy" that was elicited by the members of his former band and roommates was not at all comfortable with his identity and the treatment that he often experienced.  Moreover, as you acknowledged in your email, Chase is a
highly intelligent and artistically gifted individual.  It is not unusual for a person with his exceptional capacities to question the formulas that work well for most people.  It is both our hope and our intention to provide Chase with a caring environment wherein he will be able to figure out
what he wants to do next with his life.  As Roger and Kathy did for their own successful children, we will help him find ways to achieve whatever he decides he wants.

            Finally, you may have been disturbed by descriptions of our admittedly unconventional living space.  We are bohemians in the classic sense who value self-expression in all aspects of our lives.  We also host a nationally known conversation salon in our home.  The salon
is attended by thinking people from all over the midwest.  Our decor reflects our bohemian aesthetic and provides a stimulating, entertaining environment for the salon.  It is no indication of danger to Chase; on the contrary, our home, which is filled with fine literature, progressive
prose, experimental cinema, music and art, as well as frequent visits from a wide array of artists, musicians, business-people, educators, you name it, should provide an optimal growth medium at this very interesting and promising turning point in his life.

            We all appreciate what you and your husband have done for Chase. Your stable home environment seems to have been something that he needed after the turmoil he experienced during his teen years.  Today, his needs are evolving.  He is ready to explore the many, many possibilities that life offers to remarkably gifted people. We celebrate his growth and his exciting potential.  We hope that, based on consideration of the foregoing and what you already know of Chase's character and promise, you will accept his (and his parents') decisions and join us in that
celebration.

Peace,

Tom, Robin and Kathy

__________

Tom, Robin and Kathy:

Thank for your response on behalf of Chase. However, we would have better appreciated a response from Chase. Your email to us is a prime example of someone who believes that Chase cannot think, speak or make decisions for himself. Chase is almost 21 years old, and it’s time he takes responsibility for his own direction in life and relationships.

Since you did take the time to compose a very lengthy and informative response, we thought we would do the same.

First of all, we think you should reread the email that was sent to Chase. Nowhere in that email did we say or insinuate that Chase’s recent decisions were dangerous to him. Also, nowhere in that email or at anytime verbally have we said that we thought Chase’s parents or those with which they associate or cohabitate are undereducated. And as far as outward appearances, we have no idea what you are even talking about.

When Chase came to us and said that he was moving in with his Dad and that they were working at their relationship, we were happy for him. We told him so and said that we supported that and also would be here for him as well. We did become concerned that the more time Chase spent in your home, the more he became withdrawn, confused and unfocused. We were not the only ones to notice this – his friends did as well. However, we would never undermine his parents. We respect them – both of them! Anytime we had a concern or just needed some insight, we called his mother. She knows him best. We always said to Faith that she is his mom and knows what’s best for him. The three of us became a team to help Chase. We did not go to Tom, because he was not as approachable, but would have been open to anything he wanted to share or do as his father.

While we are certainly impressed with your educational credentials and your respect for education, we really don’t feel that is the matter at hand. Like you, we respect education and have been well education and successful ourselves. We have friends and family members with and without a college education and advanced degrees, but look at the character of people more importantly! So, we really don’t see your point. We’ve always instilled in our own children and their friends that they will be able to make better decisions in life if they get a good education. In conversations that we had with Chase’s mom, Faith, she told us that Tom is a very well educated man. She also said that she regrets not getting her degree and that she might be better off in life if she had. We know Chase realizes that, too.

It is not surprising that Chase came to you in an emotional state. He had a very difficult start to the summer. The loss of his friend, Sean, made him think about is life and relationships. He struggled all summer with making decisions about what to do about school, his major and where to live. We never forced our opinions on him. We told him what we thought would be a practical and realistic path to take, but also said that if he wanted to take time off to decide what to do, we would support that. We also said that if he did take time off from school, he should work, seek out opportunities, make a plan and set goals, so that he could have direction in the future months ahead. He agreed and said that he would welcome our help with that. He decided to return to U of I on his own. Neither we, nor anyone else made that decision for him.

In the past few years, we have observed that Chase has difficulty making decisions, even the simplest of everyday ones. We also know first hand that others easily influence him; thus, he gets easily confused. He has admitted to having trouble staying focused with simple and complex tasks. All we did is provide Chase with a stable environment and structure that could help him focus better and know he was safe and loved. We tried to meet his needs, so he could be more productive in life.

As far as the “Chaddy” stigma. That is non-existent. That is true fabrication. The name “Chaddy” was given affectionately to him by his friend, Diana. When we and others asked for Chase’s email address, and we saw that he called himself “Chaddywack”, we thought it was cool, and it was a nickname that stuck. It was by no means a way to degrade him or give him another identity. Most of our son’s friends have nicknames; it’s just for fun.

I too shared email. I shared your response with my son. He was hurt by the term “social forces.” Do you mean friendship? My son, the other members in the band and those from **** were true friends to Chase. They took him under their wing when he moved here from Michigan and knew absolutely no one. They introduced him to literally everyone and took joy in sharing in what they loved – music!!! I remember one of the first times Jake brought Chase here. We instantly thought that Chase was one of the nicest friends my son brought home. It was easy to want to help him and include him in our family when he was going through a difficult time with his family’s situation. Everyone has significant social forces in everyday life. All you are doing now is changing the social forces. Which may be good or not. One thing is for sure, you can’t shelter Chase from dealing with his social life.

We don’t know anything about your no conventional living space. We have no pre-conceived notions about you and your lifestyle. We have many friends with non- conventional ways of living and would never judge them on that anyway. We may seem traditional and conservative, but embrace many of the things that you deem important in life – literature, poetry, music, and art. Etc.

When we took Chase into our home, and we expected nothing in return. We just saw a young man with so much potential but no stability. We just wanted to help him reach his potential. We do believe that his friends expected more. They didn’t expect him to turn his back on them with no explanation. They didn’t expect him to leave them high and dry paying a rent that is way too expensive for 4 people, when 5 agreed to pitch in.

Speaking of that obligation, what have you advised Chase to do about his financial, legal and moral obligations to the people he shared an apartment with – namely his best friends??? We’re just curious and realize it is between him and them, but he did sign his name to a lease and is financially obligated – not to mention the 8/07 rent that Jake paid for him to complete his last term.

It’s not about us. We love Chase unconditionally, like a son. We expect nothing in return. But, we are concerned for his future. We would love to see him happy in his life, with his career and socially and well.

Thank you for you your time in reading this lengthy response.

Gene & Kelly (Papa & Mama B)

___________

And then my mom tells me that Chase is having trouble finding his identity, and that's the main issue, because Chase is being tilted toward one lifestyle or the other based on the decisions and actions of either the B's or Robin, Kathy and my dad. Personally, my opinion is that Chase just needs to get the hell away from all the fuss and be on his own to find himself. But on the other, hand, unlike my mom, I don't think coming back to Michigan is the answer to that. Mom wants him back here to enjoy his presence, just as she has been on dad's case for wanting the same thing. She knows what's wrong with the situation in Illinois, but the horrendous irony of it all is that she's about to do the same damn thing, and she's seeing it as something completely different! Too much drama, too much drama. Certainly too much for Chase, or anyone for that matter. Chase doesn't NEED it. The less noise, the better.

It's katie...let's see how things look.